Nuclear families. The concept of a mother and father, their dependents and some sort of labrador, as an integral foundation for a sound social structure. Of course, when thinking of this, I picture the 1950's, when status was king and anyone other than picture perfect was considered a dirty vagrant. Dad goes to work and manages the money, Mom stays home and manages the kitchen. Of course there has been much liberation since then, but now, several decades later, there's a feeling that the same push for this family blueprint is becoming a trend yet again. I don't know what or where or how it started. My best guess is Pinterest. Freakin' Pinterest. The archives of everything women drool over; home decor, parenting tips, recipes, those damn 'Keep calm and whatever' signs. Since this has been a relevant tool for people my age: late millenials, I have watched it create a standard for this stage of our lives, the stage where most of us (just rounding the corner from 30) are buying our first homes, getting married, having children, etc. The reason I have a problem with this swing is because I feel like the massive strides that familial roles have taken in the transition of a generation or two, are being combated with the same urge for perfection and role assignments similar to a time when people still smoked in their house.
I had my one and only child when I was 20. The fandangle of photo shoots starring my infant, with an ornately written chalkboard description every 2 weeks about what toys he likes and how much he poops, was not on my radar. I just needed to pay my bills and keep him fed on a poverty-level income. Now that I am older, wiser and wealthier, I look back at those years and compare them to my friends who are having children or getting married at a more responsible age. Part of me feels robbed that I was not able to have the same ease they feel bringing a baby into their lives. The other part relishes it a bit, as I watch them planning for more kids, thinking that by the time their children are in high school, my one will be long into adulthood and I'll be on a beach somewhere. I feel like I am miles beyond them, looking forward to a life of just taking care of myself again. I'm not heartless or anything, there is nothing wrong with beginning a family, especially when you're older and have your shit together. For many, it is something that has been dreamed about since childhood. The lines start to blur into an issue for me when I see the control these social norms have on people and their expectations of life. Weddings are getting more elaborate, homes are getting bigger, women are criticizing each other on how long to breastfeed. Now, it is not just a matter of wanting to have it all, but it all has to be obtained in the exact right way. As a woman who did everything out of order, these rigid forecasts of how things should go, are foreign and boring. I watch people my age scheduling out their lives as though it were a huge calendar of doctor appointments. 'If we get married in mid-June, I'll start ovulating 2 weeks later, then get pregnant by July, and we can have 3 more kids before I'm 35 in 2 years'.
The Race-
So it goes, the notion that if all elements of the American checklist are ticked, the happier and more successful in life we will be. This constitution seems to be getting more common as social media has given a stage to the parents of today. I am not certain if it is something I am predisposed to dislike, or if I am just simply maturing into the phase of having it constantly shoved in my face by my peers. Every time I open an app, I get confronted with a newfound pet peeve; I see different profiles with the same, tired pictures, from kids riding a bike for the millionth time to couples posing in an irksome selfie for no good reason. I immediately think: "Are they really that happy?". That's not even factoring in the captions that can become, to put it simply: nauseating. "I am so blessed"- "How did I get this lucky?"- and do NOT even get me started on women who use #MCM about their S/O.
In addition to all of that fluff, I've been noticing another common practice...there seems to be one secret ritual that I missed at the time of my big life events. Apparently, as a right of passage for all births, engagements and family portraiture, you must go outside in autumn, when all the fall leaves are covering the ground and take a gamut of photos, smiling blissfully, huddling in to pose and then post them all over social media, even if the only difference every 12 shots is that Jr has his eyes shut. This goes along with the new need to be perceived as a defectless family. Did I take some of my frustrations out on the above stock photo? Maybe... it's not my fault I see every last damned person I know in these identical settings, with identical color coordinated outfits. I swear, if I see one more set of a mom and dad kissing in the background while the kids clench their eyes shut in mock disgust, I'm gonna lose my freakin' mind.
It doesn't seem as though people are simply showcasing their life, it feels much more like they are in a continuous marathon, trying to outpace each other on how awesome their life looks. Let me also say that I am not coming from a place of bitterness. I regretfully admit that I have many of the attributes of what I'm describing such disdain for. I own my home, I'm married, there is a chore chart on my pantry door. My life is dripping with conformity as the stereotypical mom. I, just like the people I claim to be the antithesis of, also feel a steady desire for perfection. Maybe it's instinctual human nature? Seeing your neighbor and thinking you should do better, have more. Unfortunately, this is the kind of competition that puts women behind, trying to have everything, only to realize how hard choices are for us, and then feeling some tinge of failure when either career or family had to be omitted. Then, there is the possibility it is learned. Watching our parents pay their mortgage for decades, raise their 2.5 spoiled brats and make sure their lawn looked more manicured than the family's next door. Playing roles and sending the cycle spinning for the next generation. No matter what the genesis, it certainly seems toxic.
When normality gets to me, I daydream about running away. Packing 3 bags, one for each of us and just leaving the country to some foreign place where the food and the air is fresh. No plan. No agenda. No material burdens. Then I begin thinking of the logistics: OK, well, I'd have to sell the house... pay off debt... oh, I can't give up my cookware, I'll need to get a storage unit..... Suddenly, it's no longer a daydream, but a pain in the ass, just like the rest of life. Is there a happy medium? I am exactly like the people I am bitching about, doing nothing to change this cycle. I suppose the shear lack of interest I have in traditional family standards gives me a leg up, but barely. Then I look around and realize that as I acquiesce to follow the path of monotony, I am putting a pillow over my identity and slowly smothering it to death. I am watching all of these other moms breeding more spawn and climbing higher and higher on the ladder of modern parenting benchmarks. This is it? Living what is normal, playing our roles until our time around the sun is over and our existence rots into wet soil like the leaves in those family photos.
The Pinterest Plague-
Melodramatic as it may seem, the thought catalog could be impairing our society. I've often referred to Pinterest as the Google for women. I mean, it pretty much acts like it. If the cat shits on the carpet, you better bet I'm checking Pinterest for a solution first. The convenience is fantastic, but I also go through and get distracted, slowly slipping into hours of clicking and scrolling, clicking and scrolling. The danger I see here is the slow, subliminal pressure to be a domestic goddess deposited into women as they browse these sites- it's the new fashion magazine. Airbrushed models, meticulously arranged homes, kid's crafts that, if not done at an early age will surely mean your child is going to end up in the Pen. Individual responsibility is important. No one is telling women to look and act and be these Pinterest images, but it's hard to see this perception so consistently and not feel inadequate, especially when it's lodged down our throats in every facet of life. A mom home baking fucking artisan cookies for kids at soccer practice, a holiday party so strategically decorated that my puny tree in a bucket feels like a sham, or, like I touched on earlier, family portraits, all the same, plastered across a home like pimples on a 16 year old boy's back. It's the excess that I see consuming these women around me. It feels as though the standards of Pinterest and sites similar, are silently pushing women back to the 50's again. To look and talk and act a certain way, to be the wife, the mother, the woman who can do everything perfectly and make it look easy. All the home made, time sucking projects that dominate our feeds, are perhaps, slowly causing us to shut the top of the box we've put ourselves back into.
I only want one thing from my fellow females. Stop. Just stop trying to emulate things that do not matter. The time spent fretting about the details that will be overlooked, but cost you stress and worry. The time you can't get back, all for an impression, all for somebody else. There is nothing interesting about a person who can only hold an identity from the reflection of magazine perfection. The world is lacking authenticity, passion and courage. It takes that to break out of these roles that are trying to harness us back down again. Consider women are wild orcas and the new wave of domestication is Sea World, it wants you to be a show, it wants you to stay in one place your whole life and look happy doing it. Don't let these new standards trap you. We get one chance to leave our mark on the world, whatever it is, your children, your beliefs, your creativity.... but it sure as hell won't be your handcrafted, personalized placement cards from 3 Thanksgivings ago.